ok wow, freaky fucking shit has been fucking going round...

poor lauren, i hope shes ok...phil, i'm not even going to get into my feelings on phil now cuz i'll never shut the fuck up...

mike, te he he he, his back, oooohhh did i fuck is back up with my nails! ha ha ha, sex is great...i love mike so much ::sighs:: i wish i could just spend eternity in a black void between realities with him and only him...::sigh::

i love my mike...

well ummm, i kinda ODed tonight and bout to pass out so this will be short but i just really feel the need to update...i've been in love before, or wut i thought was love, but now this feeling i have for mike is a whole new feeling, something that i've never felt before and it makes me think that in the past i was never really in love, but that i am now. mikes a nice guy, and i've only date a nice guy once and that wasn't really anything, it was camp and he was just there and shit and i just felt the need to date someone at least once in camp since it was my last year, all my other bf's were just assholes...and mike isn't, mike is someone thats going to make it in life, and it's someone who can make it in life that i need and it's very rare that i can fall for someone thats not going to treat me like a piece of shit...mike is someone else, mike is someone i can really see a clear future with and i'd like to have a future with him. hes not perfect, and i no that and that just makes it seem so much more real cuz i can realize that. and i think sometimes i don't treat him as well as i should because he means the world to me, and i'm scared that i do, cuz i've never had before with anyone but i trust him 100%. and i pray to the god and goddess, the spirts and the elements that i never loose him. i can have a future with him, i can make it with him, and i want to, i'd give everything i have in this world to spend every god damned day with him, like i told him tonight...hes me best friend, but better, and thats wut people say bout there husband or wife, and thats how i feel, i'm never going to be unfaithful, i'm completly devoted to him and him only...i would never cheat or lie to him, and i can say that and believe it. in the past i've cheated on a few bf's, but i was never so much in love with them that i cared so much bout them and them only. hes something new, hes showed me a whole new feeling and a whole new out look on life, and i'm in love with him for everything he is, i'm in love with his good qualities and his bad and i wouldn't change anything. i want a life with this person, i want him not only to be in my life but to be a part of my life for as long as i live. i'm in love. and i don't want him to go anywhere, yes i'm going away to school and i'm going to be 3 1/2 hours away from him but in my heart he will always be right next to me.

so umm, i had sumtin really important to say here, now if i can only remember.. ::ponders::...well, i'll remember sooner or later...so, mike broke up with jess today to go out with me, he came by today and we chilled...then it got late so i went with him to wait for the bus and were sitting there and he has his arm round me and richs thingy kept catching his attension so i said " its.......cool- oh fuck it, it's fucking ill, happy?! i said ILL!!!" and he cracked up and said "ya no, now i have to kiss ya for that" and i said "uh huh" and it was great! te he he he...

if anyone can help me get a backround pic up PLEASE e-mail me at loserperson@aol.com!

ok, so yea, i'm at work i'm the kids are having lunch so i'm cleaning up a spill, i have 5 kids calling "teacher! teacher!" meaning me and a lil girl tugging on my shirt when the CIT in the next room says my mom son the phone and it's an emergency, so i had to leave em, oi, well turned out knowone was going to be there at 1 to pick me up cuz my mom and my aunt had to take my grandma to the hospital and they'd try to get over, but they didn't tell me wuts wrong, ok, so they go down for rest and i go on break in the hall wating just in case they call again so then my class goes down for swim but i stay in the room across the hall and help out there cuz i'm waiting for news and i have 3 nacked 4 year old boys infront of me bouncing up and down and i'm trying to keep them in one spot while dress them all at once when they tell me my moms on the phone, and i REALLY ca't leave them cuz they'd run out into the hall and other classes naked cuz cuz they'd think it's funny so i said i'd call back in 2 minutes not thinking "hey, shes in a hospital, it's not going to go threw to her cell" so i was screwed so finaily sum1 gives me the message my aunts going to be down stairs in 15minutes mean while i've been at work for an extra 30minutes and it's hell, so they pick me up and it seemed that my grandma wa puking, had well, #3 and had a VERY low pulse so her AID called 911, they hooked her up to a heart moneter, they said she neeeds a pace maker but they don't want to put that in cuz they think she has an infection cuz she has a fever of over 101 but if they don't her heart might stop but if they do she might die anyway, he white blood cell count i VERY VERY low and they think she had had a heart attack and it doesn't look good, my other grandma is here in NY cuz she came up for her sisters funeral last sunday but she was leaving tomorrow but i over heard my dad say to her to stay till friday cuz " the funeral will either be Wed. or Thurs." so that just gave it away that shes not going to make it...


on a happier note mike hinted that he'd cheat on his gf with me...
CommandAndConqr (4:25:32 PM): hehe, i claimed you, im the man.
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:25:47 PM): and u walk where the man walks
CommandAndConqr (4:25:48 PM): and i name people things like frangangan
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:25:49 PM): ha ha
CommandAndConqr (4:25:53 PM): haha yeah
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:27:41 PM): but huh, u claimed me, u better start paying "attention" to me sumtime soon or i'ma get bored and "rebel"
CommandAndConqr (4:29:30 PM): haha
CommandAndConqr (4:29:35 PM): interesting choice of words
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:29:42 PM): thank you, ha ha
CommandAndConqr (4:29:59 PM): and thats why your my becka.
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:31:21 PM): and when i rebel it's not going to pretty, ha ha, it's going to be quite dirty
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:31:22 PM): lol
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:31:31 PM): and i don't think jess will be too happy bout it...
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:31:38 PM): watch ur back mister!
CommandAndConqr (4:33:03 PM): id probly be happy about it, after i crush the rebellion of course
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:34:52 PM): lol, but uh...i'ma start getting irritated soon so, ya no, jess better keep an i eye you...ha ha
CommandAndConqr (4:35:22 PM): jess hasnt been keeping much of anything on me
CommandAndConqr (4:35:29 PM): a little inside info b4 i go
CommandAndConqr (4:35:37 PM): hehe
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:35:38 PM): lol
CommandAndConqr (4:35:42 PM): so once again, im gonna go becka
LiL KoRn Goddess (4:35:56 PM): okies ::ponders plan:: bye byes
CommandAndConqr (4:36:12 PM): ok *giggles* peace

so yeah, it looks good...
::YAY!::


something has been bothering rich the past few days, josh said he didn't want to see anyone...so i'm really really worried, i love him so fucking much, i look up to him, for everything... ::sighs::

i don't no wut to do with myself, as usual theres that voice in the back of my head that has been whispering the same thing over and over for the past 4 years and has never taken a fucking vacation..."died, just do it, knowone cares, knowone will miss you, it's not worth it to live, it wont hurt, you'll be dead"...sometimes i think i understand aly and her "demons"...maybe i have em too, but there more suttle...

fuck fuck fuck fuck! IS MIKE STILL GOING OUT WITH JESS OR NOT!? ::pouts:: i want him for myself...god, since the first fucking day of school when i told him i loved his crotch! ha ha, yea, my sis knew him and over the summer before i went she taught me to say that to him when i met him! lolarg, and when i told him i liked him like a month ago he told me that he had just started dating jess...err! and i no he likes me and everyones telling me different things, hes going out with her, hes not anymore and when we just play flirt i say "don't u have a gf?" and all he does is laugh, i never get a staight answer! so at the moment i have nick, his friend asking him cuz i sooo want to know! and my friend now says that mike said "YES" but i don't no wut the question was so yea means nothing to me-wait, yes, they are still going out, oi, they better break up soon cuz i'm not going to be i new york that much longer...!

i feel like fucking shit with this mono...i feel fine but sick at the same time and its really fucking odd...fuck! who gave this to me?! wutever, i have more important things on my mind...my aunt bessy died yesterday, oh well, last time i saw her was the last time she made a public appearence 11 years ago, shes been locked away in a nursing home since, and wouldn't let anyone visit her, fucking old bag...well u wont find me at her funneral, not in a million fucking lightyears!!! well, i wanna get in touch with mike, aka God before tomorrow cuz i want him to go swimming with me at my pool club, think that maybe if were in a pool together and i'm in alil bikini and flirting he'll give up and dump jess for me...he nos i like him, so y not win him over?? i never like jess anyways, ok, thats a lie, i had a crush on her in the begining of the school year but that was it, now it's my turn, and i want him, and i plan to get him for myself, and i plan to do wutever i have to to get him, i always get my way, sad, but true, when i want something i get it, no matter wut, it can take hours, days, weeks, months, years i don't care, i'll keep pushing for it till i get it, i chaced after david hoover in the 7th grade all threw to the 8th grade when he then decided to ask me out, and then dump m 5 days later for steph then dump her for me and then dump me forher and it went on like that all year, i went out with him that year 17 times, and she went out with him 16, and when the one of us was going out with david, the other was dating Ian, it was like they kept swapping us, soooooo bothersum!!! things were so simple then, sumtime i wish i could go back to when things were that simple...now in high school i'm a junkie, and i'm leaving for boarding school in september to do 9th grade all over again. oh well, so i'll do it all over, i knew thas wut i was going to have to do, i mean, i didn't got to school for days and months at a time and i expected to pass? NEVER! i knew i was failing everything, and i mean EVERYTHING! i got 40's in ever single subject! and the sadder part is that i have an I.Q. above average, average is about 100, i have 125! ha! go figure!!! i dunno, sumtimes i wish i just was never born, maybe then everyones lives would have been easier...specialy mine, heh...my head fucking hurts, i think this is all for tonigh, i'll post more of my thoughts tomorrow.....night all...